Fix It Friday: Fellow Airline Passengers

     Sure enough, I found something worth fixing during my vacation. On the first day, too! We had to fly down to Florida, so obviously we needed to board a plane at the airport. There are seven of us (mom, stepdad, me, 13-year-old brother, 10-year-old brother, 7-year-old sister, and 4-year-old sister) so going anywhere tends to be...well, a hassle. Because I'm the oldest kid, I've always been called upon to help with the planning and carrying out of trips like this. This means that I get to share in the stress! Aren't my parents nice?

     So imagine us with 8 carry-on bags, herding 4 kids through security and to the gate. It's a rather tiny airport, but that doesn't make things much less insane. I mean, come on, it's my family. We got through the first flight with no major issues, then had to make a mad dash across Charlotte Douglas International. Man, I love that airport. There's a store there that sells chocolate-covered potato chips. How awesome is that? Uh, anyway, we got to our gate on time and even had time to scarf down some food (which, unfortunately, did not include chocolate-covered potato chips).

There was even time for a Flat Stanley picture!

     Thus far, it'd been smooth sailing. Well, flying, because we weren't on the ship yet. You know what I mean. When our boarding zone (zone 2) was called, we gathered up our bags and kids and started the line at the gate. Yes, I'm so competitive that I make sure we're first in our zone to board. That's just how I roll. Before we could give our tickets to the chick at the desk, though, some wannabe socialite popped in with a yappy purse-sized dog and a moronic-looking skater teen guy. (I hope he was her son.)

     "Sorry, we're first class." Yeah, well, your boarding time was quite some time ago, lady. Back of the line. My mom, being as awesome as she is, told the lady that she was really late, and that Mom was sure the 4-year-old wouldn't mind waiting even longer because of the damn dog. I, uh, take after my mother...a lot.

     "Well, yeah, but [the dog] had to go outside." This is when I piped in with the ever-so-clever "So?" I was rewarded with a pretentious glance -- yeah, you're so much better than me because your dog shits. I bet you didn't bag it up, either.

     People like this lady would, in my perfect world, be bumped off the flight altogether. If you don't make it to your boarding time, your seat is given to a standby passenger and you have to pay for another flight. No vouchers, no sympathy. They announce it overhead, and it's your job to make sure your mutt is ready to go.

     Karma did kick in a little bit here. The lady and her son did lose their first-class seats, because they had been given away as upgrades. Unfortunately (for them) this pushed them back to coach, right in front of me. Of course, because I'm mature, I handled the situation with grace. I dug my knees into the guy's seat, and my mom and I openly discussed how rude they had been.

Why I Hate the World Today

     Have you ever been in one of those moods where every little thing pisses you off? I've been raging all day against various things; when one situation is resolved/left behind, something else comes up to take its place. This happens from time to time. It's never fun to deal with, but I figured that complaining might help. I'll just leave a fun little list here.

1. My little sister got all pissy when I tried to help her with her homework. She had misinterpreted the questions, so I was explaining to her what they actually wanted. She refused to listen. I don't like when that happens.


2. My oldest brother wouldn't shut up at our brother's basketball game. (Note to self: Post something to explain the siblings.) The kid was sitting beside me, shrieking and otherwise being obnoxious. Any attempt to quiet him down resulted in "No, you shut up. You're annoying me." What the hell? I hadn't said anything to him before that!


3. Family dinner tonight consisted of arguing over which restaurant to go to, then not going to what we decided on and no one getting what they wanted. As usual. Why does this always surprise me?


4. This Facebook status from one of my friends:
   
   This is just poor logic. As I pointed out in a comment (because I'm an ass), you can see and touch a brain. Sure, the student couldn't see the professor's brain right then and there, but it is possible. God, on the other hand, is unseeable and untouchable, hence faith.


5. None of the radio stations on Grooveshark play anything good.


6. Some Neanderthal on YouTube barged into a previous comment-discussion between me and another user. The original discussion centered around me being an idiot who made many grammatical errors. Now, when I'm putting forth an argument, I make sure my spelling and grammar are 100% accurate. After all, I don't want to negate my point by looking stupid. Therefore, I know for a fact that I had no errors. The latecomer to the party helpfully pointed out that
   
   "spelling doesnt fucking matter on the internet u fucking cunt so stop bragging about yourself thinking your badass bc you spell shit right you uptight mother fucker.... oh and dont comment on how my spelling is bad bc you need back yourself up or some shit,bc like i said people spell bad on the internet on purpose...retard".
   
   Riiiiiight. Here, let me translate that for you: "I failed most of my English classes in school, and I spend most nights masturbating alone to Internet porn."


7. I can't figure out whether to capitalize the "the" in this post's title.


8. The above complaint makes complaint #6 look stupid.


9. Most of the time, the users on the forum I frequent are pretty cool. We make jokes, we ponder (somewhat) scientific questions, and life is good. However, a couple people are insufferable idiots. If I haven't made it clear by now, I hate dealing with people who don't use their brains. The guy who made it to this list is obsessed with pseudo-scientific things like psychics. These topics of discussion are banned on the forum (mainly because they're bullshit) but he frequently brings them up anyway. His latest thread deals with him mysteriously experiencing the same pains and illnesses as his friends and family (who are totally not with him, guys).

     If this doesn't stop, I'm going to jab someone's eyes out. With a rusty key. I swear to God...whose existence is neither proven nor negated by the existence of someone's brain.

I Skipped Fix-It Friday

     Oh well. My man and I had a...rough couple of days. I was in no mood to do anything but hide under my covers and cry pathetically. Fun times.

Dear Loser (Chris)

     Let's face it, some people are pathetic. Here's a prime example. I honestly can't pick one favorite part. You can listen to the original here on constant loop.

Music Monday: Super Bass

     I jammed to this in the car this morning after taking my siblings out to the bus. It was an epic start to the week. Of course, being me, I found something to complain about. More on that in a bit. First, here's the song.

     It's so frickin catchy. Can't you hear that boom badoom boom, boom badoom boom bass? The video is...well, it's fascinating. You can't argue with the fact that it's weird, but it totally works. It fits the song and the artist. I love the first 30 seconds; Nicki's obviously hyped up on caffeine and/or illegal drugs, and trying to pass it off as excitement. Then we finish off in a DayGlo rave. It's great.

     This is the kind of song that makes me wish I were black. I don't wish that often; I'm comfortable with my race. Seriously, though, it seems like black chicks have all the fun. They can have pink hair and swim in a pool of Pepto Bismol, and people love it. If I did that, I'd be shipped off to the nuthouse.

     Now for the complaints. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. When I was in the middle of jammin this morning, I realized that the song was full of holes. It completely ruined my joy. The radio station had edited the crap out of this masterpiece. Here's a list of words that were skipped. (A word with an asterisk by it is something I completely understand editing. I'm including those for the completeness of the list.)

• coke
• motherfucking*
• ho(e)
• F (No, she didn't say "fuck." She literally says "eff" in the song.)
• niggas*
• panties
• F (again)

     I'm sorry, but really? WKEE must have a bunch of third-graders working for them. "Oh, noes, we can't say panties on the radio! That's a naughty word!" I don't understand this. I've heard worse than "ho" on the radio -- on that station -- and you're going to block it? And then the letter. "You can't hear that letter! omgzorz!!1!" Next they'll be cutting out half of the alphabet. It's like Sesame Street's letter of the day, but with more ridiculous censorship.

     I need your help to combat this. Here's the plan: using a buttload of autotune tricks, I'll create a song that doesn't sound like a cat dying. The lyrics will consist only of "eff" and "panties." We just have to make sure it gets on the radio. Of course, that will require a disguise. We'll pretend it's a rendition of "Unchained Melody."