Fix It Friday: Fellow Airline Passengers

     Sure enough, I found something worth fixing during my vacation. On the first day, too! We had to fly down to Florida, so obviously we needed to board a plane at the airport. There are seven of us (mom, stepdad, me, 13-year-old brother, 10-year-old brother, 7-year-old sister, and 4-year-old sister) so going anywhere tends to be...well, a hassle. Because I'm the oldest kid, I've always been called upon to help with the planning and carrying out of trips like this. This means that I get to share in the stress! Aren't my parents nice?

     So imagine us with 8 carry-on bags, herding 4 kids through security and to the gate. It's a rather tiny airport, but that doesn't make things much less insane. I mean, come on, it's my family. We got through the first flight with no major issues, then had to make a mad dash across Charlotte Douglas International. Man, I love that airport. There's a store there that sells chocolate-covered potato chips. How awesome is that? Uh, anyway, we got to our gate on time and even had time to scarf down some food (which, unfortunately, did not include chocolate-covered potato chips).

There was even time for a Flat Stanley picture!

     Thus far, it'd been smooth sailing. Well, flying, because we weren't on the ship yet. You know what I mean. When our boarding zone (zone 2) was called, we gathered up our bags and kids and started the line at the gate. Yes, I'm so competitive that I make sure we're first in our zone to board. That's just how I roll. Before we could give our tickets to the chick at the desk, though, some wannabe socialite popped in with a yappy purse-sized dog and a moronic-looking skater teen guy. (I hope he was her son.)

     "Sorry, we're first class." Yeah, well, your boarding time was quite some time ago, lady. Back of the line. My mom, being as awesome as she is, told the lady that she was really late, and that Mom was sure the 4-year-old wouldn't mind waiting even longer because of the damn dog. I, uh, take after my mother...a lot.

     "Well, yeah, but [the dog] had to go outside." This is when I piped in with the ever-so-clever "So?" I was rewarded with a pretentious glance -- yeah, you're so much better than me because your dog shits. I bet you didn't bag it up, either.

     People like this lady would, in my perfect world, be bumped off the flight altogether. If you don't make it to your boarding time, your seat is given to a standby passenger and you have to pay for another flight. No vouchers, no sympathy. They announce it overhead, and it's your job to make sure your mutt is ready to go.

     Karma did kick in a little bit here. The lady and her son did lose their first-class seats, because they had been given away as upgrades. Unfortunately (for them) this pushed them back to coach, right in front of me. Of course, because I'm mature, I handled the situation with grace. I dug my knees into the guy's seat, and my mom and I openly discussed how rude they had been.

Fix It Friday: Racism

     Gouge everyone's eyes out, so they can't see what color anyone else is. What, did you really think all of these would be long, drawn out solutions?

     On a completely different note, I'm going on vacation tomorrow. Since I won't be back until Christmas Eve, I figured I'd try out the handy dandy scheduled post feature. If things get really jacked up, I won't know about it, so I won't be able to stress over it! Yaaaaaay!

Fix It Friday: Periods

     Let me start by saying I'm not pissy right now. My uterus is just shedding its internal wall and blood is coursing out of my body. It's just a bit of excruciating pain. What's there to be pissy about? I will murder all of your unborn children if you so much as look at me funny.

     I usually try to reduce the agony by forcing myself to think. It doesn't matter what I think about, as long as it takes a great deal of brain power. Today, I decided that life would be easier if periods only happened once a year. Scientists, start taking notes.

     Instead of a one-month cycle, the menstrual process will be lengthened to a 12-month cycle, using fancy science. C'mon, if they can make pigs glow, they can do this. It just takes a bit of genetic manipulation. Maybe introduce some cat genes? They have fewer "periods" than humans. It's a start.

     Anyway, if this is done, women everywhere will be elated. Of course, it would make it harder to detect pregnancy early on, but so? Less periods. It's a great thing.

Fix It Friday: A Touchy Topic?

     Let's face it, the US has an issue with illegal immigration. Despite the fact that these immigrants do the jobs that we lazy Americans refuse to do, most people still dislike them. So let's hash out a ridiculously simple way to stop the illicit flow.

1. Dig a 20-foot ditch along the US's border with Mexico.
2. Embed electrified barbed wire along ditch walls.
3. Conceal ditch.
4. Build 20-foot walls on either side of ditch.
5. Embed electrified barbed wire along walls, and extend to 5 feet above top of walls.
6. Pull troops out of the Middle East. They aren't needed there anyway, and we can use them for this.
7. Post troops as sentries on southern wall, armed with tear gas and rifles.
8. Now that the land route is closed off, turn attention to all likely water routes (sea borders).
9. Use more troops as sentries.
10. If illegal immigrants continue to push further north before coming ashore, post more troops further north.
11. Set up "troop trading" so that the same people aren't watching the same area all the time.

Fix It Friday: How Things Should Have Gone

     Thus far, I've only got structured guidelines for posting on two days in the week. This isn't nearly enough for me. I'm drowning in the ocean of possible blog posts. You have to understand, I need structure. Some people can just go with the flow, all willy-nilly. Not me. My pre-bed routine takes an hour and a half.

     Because of my perverse need to plan every aspect of my life, I figured I'd stress out less by introducing another theme day here. As a bonus, it'll keep the posting schedule a bit more reliable, ultimately forcing me to post more. At least, I think that's a good thing. You can be the judge of that.

     So now I introduce to you Fix It Friday. Everyone's encountered at least a few things in life that should have ended differently. You've all said to yourselves "I could have done that better than they did." This is my version of that. Movies, books, tv shows, real events; nothing is safe from my mental nitpicking. The idea for this came to me in a dream, which is a great reason for doing something, right?

The Lion King: How It Should Have Gone

     Basically, this (possible rip-off of a) movie retells Shakespeare's Hamlet in a way that reaches out to small children and breaks their little hearts. Yes, I'm bitter about Mufasa's death. So very bitter. Simba is left alone in the world (for a while) and Scar is a douchebag. Luckily, I dreamt up a much better version of things.

     The first, and biggest, deviation is that Scar is actually nice. He's not just pretending to be happy about Simba's birth; he's the most kind-hearted lion that ever lived. He serves as Mufasa's right-hand man for many years, until Mufasa dies. It's okay, though; he dies of old age, and Simba rises to the throne. Scar guides Simba through the difficulties of ruling the savannah and manages to live to see Kiara born. (Side note: Scar's name before he got his Scar was Taka. In this version, he does have his scar, but not because he tried to off Mufasa.)

     Somehow, Kovu is also born. I say "somehow" because (in the real story) he's Scar's son, and part of the Outcasts. In my version, however, Scar was never pushed into forming the Outcasts. Anyway, the universe vomits out Kovu; perhaps he's simply too awesome not to exist. Kiara and Kovu meet as young cubs and essentially grow up loving each other. Everything's awesome, everyone likes each other, and things are just peachy.

     At the edge of the savannah, Clayton appears. Yes, the hunter from Tarzan. Maybe he's hunting to raise his status? After all, Tarzan didn't come out until a year after LK2. Anyway, he's out for blood. And pelts. Gotta have them pelts.

     Now, Scar and Kovu have darker hides than the other lions. This trait is possibly passed down from Mufasa/Scar's mother, Uru. There are books that expand the world of LK. Okay, this isn't supposed to be an in-depth analysis. C'mon, self, focus. Basically, dark hides mean more money for Clayton, so he sees Scar and Kovu and decides to kill them.

     Scar is rather old by this point, so Kovu is in better shape. Clayton goes after him first, chasing him to the edge of a really weird cliff. The rock goes straight down, then flattens out into a shelf, then heads straight down again. There's a tree growing right up the middle, embedded into the cliff face (even across the shelf). Kovu slips off the edge, which is actually great compared to facing off with Clayton. He manages to dig his claws into the tree, and just kinda hangs there.

     Mufasa has been summoned, and he and Scar teleport to the shelf. (There's not really a way for them to get there without falling and dying, so they must have teleported.) I'm not really sure how they could be any help, but that doesn't stop them from trying to come up with something. Scar decides to run for help. In his haste, he falls off the cliff and dies. Kovu freaks out, slips, and falls off the tree. Mufasa "catches" him -- lets Kovu land on him -- and Clayton starts shooting.

     Time slows down and the lions go all Matrix, dodging bullets and pulling other awesome stunts. Because not even Clayton has unlimited ammo, he runs out of bullets and is forced to return to his camp for more. The lions climb down the second half of the cliff using the tree. They find Scar's body, which they half-carry, half-drag to Pride Rock. It's a very sad time. Everyone is heartbroken to lose such a great lion. They bury Scar, with Clayton (fully ammo'd) watching in the shadows.

     Unfortunately, I woke up before seeing what Clayton's next move was. While I absolutely love the LK movies, I think my version is epically better. I mean, come on, there's so much happiness before the heartbreak and childhood-ruining! No behind-the-scenes plot to murder family members, no alleyway deals. Just a dick with a gun.