Music Monday: Super Bass

     I jammed to this in the car this morning after taking my siblings out to the bus. It was an epic start to the week. Of course, being me, I found something to complain about. More on that in a bit. First, here's the song.

     It's so frickin catchy. Can't you hear that boom badoom boom, boom badoom boom bass? The video is...well, it's fascinating. You can't argue with the fact that it's weird, but it totally works. It fits the song and the artist. I love the first 30 seconds; Nicki's obviously hyped up on caffeine and/or illegal drugs, and trying to pass it off as excitement. Then we finish off in a DayGlo rave. It's great.

     This is the kind of song that makes me wish I were black. I don't wish that often; I'm comfortable with my race. Seriously, though, it seems like black chicks have all the fun. They can have pink hair and swim in a pool of Pepto Bismol, and people love it. If I did that, I'd be shipped off to the nuthouse.

     Now for the complaints. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. When I was in the middle of jammin this morning, I realized that the song was full of holes. It completely ruined my joy. The radio station had edited the crap out of this masterpiece. Here's a list of words that were skipped. (A word with an asterisk by it is something I completely understand editing. I'm including those for the completeness of the list.)

• coke
• motherfucking*
• ho(e)
• F (No, she didn't say "fuck." She literally says "eff" in the song.)
• niggas*
• panties
• F (again)

     I'm sorry, but really? WKEE must have a bunch of third-graders working for them. "Oh, noes, we can't say panties on the radio! That's a naughty word!" I don't understand this. I've heard worse than "ho" on the radio -- on that station -- and you're going to block it? And then the letter. "You can't hear that letter! omgzorz!!1!" Next they'll be cutting out half of the alphabet. It's like Sesame Street's letter of the day, but with more ridiculous censorship.

     I need your help to combat this. Here's the plan: using a buttload of autotune tricks, I'll create a song that doesn't sound like a cat dying. The lyrics will consist only of "eff" and "panties." We just have to make sure it gets on the radio. Of course, that will require a disguise. We'll pretend it's a rendition of "Unchained Melody."