Love Is Hard Sometimes

Literally.

Wow-You're-Hot Wednesday: Harrison Ford

     They just keep aging. I know, there's something wrong with me. I'm just fine with that, though, because it lets me enjoy cute men.

     Heck yes. HECK yes. This man is just epic. I almost want him to be my grandfather, but then my thoughts would be wildly inappropriate. I do seem to be a bit...old school?...when it comes to Harrison Ford. The Han/Indy days were (in my opinion, at least) his hottest.

Don't argue with me. I'm right.

     Besides looking good, this guy is just all-around great. He owns and flies planes, sometimes using them to rescue people. When I "fall" and break both legs during a hike in Wyoming, you'll know why; how awesome would it be to be rescued by Harrison Ford? (Answer: super awesome.) He's also donated a good chunk of land as a nature reserve, and he's been banned from Tibet and China.

太他媽的你，中國。

Commence the squee.

反正我讨厌中国人的食物。

I'll just leave this here.
Yes, it's the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

     On a slightly related note, I'm quite fascinated by these pictures. They actually distracted me from finding more pictures for this post. Some of them are sooooo cute! You'll probably see at least a couple of those guys here, too.

Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles!

     This made my entire week. Life would be a lot better if everyone watched more Monty Python sketches. There's a lot to be learned from British humor. If you're having trouble with the title of this post, go here. And I'll leave it up to you to figure out which guy(s) this post's label refers to.

Why I Hate the World Today

     Have you ever been in one of those moods where every little thing pisses you off? I've been raging all day against various things; when one situation is resolved/left behind, something else comes up to take its place. This happens from time to time. It's never fun to deal with, but I figured that complaining might help. I'll just leave a fun little list here.

1. My little sister got all pissy when I tried to help her with her homework. She had misinterpreted the questions, so I was explaining to her what they actually wanted. She refused to listen. I don't like when that happens.


2. My oldest brother wouldn't shut up at our brother's basketball game. (Note to self: Post something to explain the siblings.) The kid was sitting beside me, shrieking and otherwise being obnoxious. Any attempt to quiet him down resulted in "No, you shut up. You're annoying me." What the hell? I hadn't said anything to him before that!


3. Family dinner tonight consisted of arguing over which restaurant to go to, then not going to what we decided on and no one getting what they wanted. As usual. Why does this always surprise me?


4. This Facebook status from one of my friends:
   
   This is just poor logic. As I pointed out in a comment (because I'm an ass), you can see and touch a brain. Sure, the student couldn't see the professor's brain right then and there, but it is possible. God, on the other hand, is unseeable and untouchable, hence faith.


5. None of the radio stations on Grooveshark play anything good.


6. Some Neanderthal on YouTube barged into a previous comment-discussion between me and another user. The original discussion centered around me being an idiot who made many grammatical errors. Now, when I'm putting forth an argument, I make sure my spelling and grammar are 100% accurate. After all, I don't want to negate my point by looking stupid. Therefore, I know for a fact that I had no errors. The latecomer to the party helpfully pointed out that
   
   "spelling doesnt fucking matter on the internet u fucking cunt so stop bragging about yourself thinking your badass bc you spell shit right you uptight mother fucker.... oh and dont comment on how my spelling is bad bc you need back yourself up or some shit,bc like i said people spell bad on the internet on purpose...retard".
   
   Riiiiiight. Here, let me translate that for you: "I failed most of my English classes in school, and I spend most nights masturbating alone to Internet porn."


7. I can't figure out whether to capitalize the "the" in this post's title.


8. The above complaint makes complaint #6 look stupid.


9. Most of the time, the users on the forum I frequent are pretty cool. We make jokes, we ponder (somewhat) scientific questions, and life is good. However, a couple people are insufferable idiots. If I haven't made it clear by now, I hate dealing with people who don't use their brains. The guy who made it to this list is obsessed with pseudo-scientific things like psychics. These topics of discussion are banned on the forum (mainly because they're bullshit) but he frequently brings them up anyway. His latest thread deals with him mysteriously experiencing the same pains and illnesses as his friends and family (who are totally not with him, guys).

     If this doesn't stop, I'm going to jab someone's eyes out. With a rusty key. I swear to God...whose existence is neither proven nor negated by the existence of someone's brain.

Music Monday: Appalachia Waltz

     I'm switching things up a little bit today. This is an instrumental piece. No words. You can make up your own, if you really need words to enjoy a song. Yo-Yo Ma plays in this. It's...gahhhh. Just listen.

     I've lived in Appalachia all my life. Not that I'm biased or anything, but this is the most beautiful area of the country. Sure, other places are beautiful, but this is as close as you can get to Heaven without dying. Every time I hear this song, my heart gets all...soft. I usually try to be logical and unemotional, but this song makes my soul happy. Wow, I sound really weird now. I'm gonna go hug a mountain and rock a bunny to sleep.

I Skipped Fix-It Friday

     Oh well. My man and I had a...rough couple of days. I was in no mood to do anything but hide under my covers and cry pathetically. Fun times.

Dear Loser (Chris)

     Let's face it, some people are pathetic. Here's a prime example. I honestly can't pick one favorite part. You can listen to the original here on constant loop.

Wow-You're-Hot Wednesday: George Clooney

     This man is the poster child for hot older guys. By now there are multiple generations of women who find him attractive, and rightly so. I means, look at him!

     If you read any of my other WYH Wednesday posts, you'll know that I have a serious thing for older guys. Clooney is 50 years old. Yes, that will do nicely...I mean, uh, whatever. He's pretty funny, too. That's always a good, sexy quality for a guy to have. And he's rather involved in the humanitarian sector. Give the man another point.

     Now, when I started browsing for pictures, I realized that they're all kind of the same. He's so photogenic that he barely changes between photos. So I picked out a few pictures, but if you want more Clooney goodness, you can find it here.

     Today's post is rather hurried, as I'm in the library waiting for my beau. He's just home from his college (two hours away) and we're celebrating my birthday (which was yesterday). Do I feel bad drooling over attractive guys right now? A bit. That can be easily solved with the Sexiest Man Alive issue of People magazine, though. 70 pages of guys! I'm sure I'll get a few more names to add to my list.

Music Monday: Super Bass

     I jammed to this in the car this morning after taking my siblings out to the bus. It was an epic start to the week. Of course, being me, I found something to complain about. More on that in a bit. First, here's the song.

     It's so frickin catchy. Can't you hear that boom badoom boom, boom badoom boom bass? The video is...well, it's fascinating. You can't argue with the fact that it's weird, but it totally works. It fits the song and the artist. I love the first 30 seconds; Nicki's obviously hyped up on caffeine and/or illegal drugs, and trying to pass it off as excitement. Then we finish off in a DayGlo rave. It's great.

     This is the kind of song that makes me wish I were black. I don't wish that often; I'm comfortable with my race. Seriously, though, it seems like black chicks have all the fun. They can have pink hair and swim in a pool of Pepto Bismol, and people love it. If I did that, I'd be shipped off to the nuthouse.

     Now for the complaints. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. When I was in the middle of jammin this morning, I realized that the song was full of holes. It completely ruined my joy. The radio station had edited the crap out of this masterpiece. Here's a list of words that were skipped. (A word with an asterisk by it is something I completely understand editing. I'm including those for the completeness of the list.)

• coke
• motherfucking*
• ho(e)
• F (No, she didn't say "fuck." She literally says "eff" in the song.)
• niggas*
• panties
• F (again)

     I'm sorry, but really? WKEE must have a bunch of third-graders working for them. "Oh, noes, we can't say panties on the radio! That's a naughty word!" I don't understand this. I've heard worse than "ho" on the radio -- on that station -- and you're going to block it? And then the letter. "You can't hear that letter! omgzorz!!1!" Next they'll be cutting out half of the alphabet. It's like Sesame Street's letter of the day, but with more ridiculous censorship.

     I need your help to combat this. Here's the plan: using a buttload of autotune tricks, I'll create a song that doesn't sound like a cat dying. The lyrics will consist only of "eff" and "panties." We just have to make sure it gets on the radio. Of course, that will require a disguise. We'll pretend it's a rendition of "Unchained Melody."

Speak Up, Ninjas

All-time pageviews for this blog, as of 11-20-11.

     Okay, seriously guys, this math stuff sucks. You can see under the OS stats that 70 is 100% of the pageviews. That being said, everything else should add up to 70, right? The browsers do, but the countries don't. Nine views aren't counted for. WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE???

Fix It Friday: How Things Should Have Gone

     Thus far, I've only got structured guidelines for posting on two days in the week. This isn't nearly enough for me. I'm drowning in the ocean of possible blog posts. You have to understand, I need structure. Some people can just go with the flow, all willy-nilly. Not me. My pre-bed routine takes an hour and a half.

     Because of my perverse need to plan every aspect of my life, I figured I'd stress out less by introducing another theme day here. As a bonus, it'll keep the posting schedule a bit more reliable, ultimately forcing me to post more. At least, I think that's a good thing. You can be the judge of that.

     So now I introduce to you Fix It Friday. Everyone's encountered at least a few things in life that should have ended differently. You've all said to yourselves "I could have done that better than they did." This is my version of that. Movies, books, tv shows, real events; nothing is safe from my mental nitpicking. The idea for this came to me in a dream, which is a great reason for doing something, right?

The Lion King: How It Should Have Gone

     Basically, this (possible rip-off of a) movie retells Shakespeare's Hamlet in a way that reaches out to small children and breaks their little hearts. Yes, I'm bitter about Mufasa's death. So very bitter. Simba is left alone in the world (for a while) and Scar is a douchebag. Luckily, I dreamt up a much better version of things.

     The first, and biggest, deviation is that Scar is actually nice. He's not just pretending to be happy about Simba's birth; he's the most kind-hearted lion that ever lived. He serves as Mufasa's right-hand man for many years, until Mufasa dies. It's okay, though; he dies of old age, and Simba rises to the throne. Scar guides Simba through the difficulties of ruling the savannah and manages to live to see Kiara born. (Side note: Scar's name before he got his Scar was Taka. In this version, he does have his scar, but not because he tried to off Mufasa.)

     Somehow, Kovu is also born. I say "somehow" because (in the real story) he's Scar's son, and part of the Outcasts. In my version, however, Scar was never pushed into forming the Outcasts. Anyway, the universe vomits out Kovu; perhaps he's simply too awesome not to exist. Kiara and Kovu meet as young cubs and essentially grow up loving each other. Everything's awesome, everyone likes each other, and things are just peachy.

     At the edge of the savannah, Clayton appears. Yes, the hunter from Tarzan. Maybe he's hunting to raise his status? After all, Tarzan didn't come out until a year after LK2. Anyway, he's out for blood. And pelts. Gotta have them pelts.

     Now, Scar and Kovu have darker hides than the other lions. This trait is possibly passed down from Mufasa/Scar's mother, Uru. There are books that expand the world of LK. Okay, this isn't supposed to be an in-depth analysis. C'mon, self, focus. Basically, dark hides mean more money for Clayton, so he sees Scar and Kovu and decides to kill them.

     Scar is rather old by this point, so Kovu is in better shape. Clayton goes after him first, chasing him to the edge of a really weird cliff. The rock goes straight down, then flattens out into a shelf, then heads straight down again. There's a tree growing right up the middle, embedded into the cliff face (even across the shelf). Kovu slips off the edge, which is actually great compared to facing off with Clayton. He manages to dig his claws into the tree, and just kinda hangs there.

     Mufasa has been summoned, and he and Scar teleport to the shelf. (There's not really a way for them to get there without falling and dying, so they must have teleported.) I'm not really sure how they could be any help, but that doesn't stop them from trying to come up with something. Scar decides to run for help. In his haste, he falls off the cliff and dies. Kovu freaks out, slips, and falls off the tree. Mufasa "catches" him -- lets Kovu land on him -- and Clayton starts shooting.

     Time slows down and the lions go all Matrix, dodging bullets and pulling other awesome stunts. Because not even Clayton has unlimited ammo, he runs out of bullets and is forced to return to his camp for more. The lions climb down the second half of the cliff using the tree. They find Scar's body, which they half-carry, half-drag to Pride Rock. It's a very sad time. Everyone is heartbroken to lose such a great lion. They bury Scar, with Clayton (fully ammo'd) watching in the shadows.

     Unfortunately, I woke up before seeing what Clayton's next move was. While I absolutely love the LK movies, I think my version is epically better. I mean, come on, there's so much happiness before the heartbreak and childhood-ruining! No behind-the-scenes plot to murder family members, no alleyway deals. Just a dick with a gun.

Wow-You're-Hot Wednesday: Everyone Makes Fun of Me

     Seriously, what is wrong with the world? I can't even enjoy hot guys without someone making fun of my taste. Every time this guy comes up in conversation, I can't help but drool a little and go all dreamy-eyed. This inevitably prompts the other person to laugh and comment on his bald head...or his short stature...or the fact that he's "old." That's great, guys. I don't care. This dude is smoking hot.

     My deep-seated love for K Ches started waaaay back when. Well, it seems that way to me, because it's spanned (quick math...) roughly 3/4 of my life. I fell in love with his music at the ripe old age of 5, and I've been head-over-heels ever since. Notice all the love references? I'd totally leave my man for Kenny at the drop of a hat. It's a known fact of our relationship. (Note to self: mention "my man" more often.)

     Remember the first paragraph of the Effington post where I mentioned the fact that some guys' voices totally chill me out? Kenny is the main dude in that arena. His voice alone has pulled me out of some pretty dark (depression-induced) places. If the earth's surface represents where normal people normally are emotionally, I've been down in the Mariana Trench a few times. The release of Kenny's latest album, Hemingway's Whiskey, coincided with my roughest patch to date. Talk about perfect timing. I swear, the guy's a fricking angel or something. Okay, enough with the dramatic descriptions of how sad I've been.

     That being said, I think it's safe to assert that the basis for my adoration here is probably the most solid of any others on my hot dudes list. This boy's from a little itty-bitty spit of a town (less than 1,000 people) in Tennessee, so he's got that kinda-cute country vibe. What really gets me, though, is the whole beachy theme; many of his songs are very Caribbean-inspired, he owns a yacht, and he has a home down in the USVI. A big dream of mine is to live on an island in the Caribbean, so Kenny is definitely relevant to my interests.

     In preparation for this post, I started looking through the pictures I had saved on my computer. There are 26 Kenny pics (in addition to the one above) that I decided were worthy of this post. I know, it's a lot. I'll just put them down here all tiny again (they're really not that tiny...) and marvel at the technology that lets you guys see them big. (When it comes to technology, I'm an old soul -- I never understand it.)

     I've also noticed that these posts tend to be rather picture-heavy. It is about the guy's looks, of course, so I have to showcase that. But it seems like a cop-out to end a post in a flurry of pictures. I'm not really sure which route to go: keep it the way it is, or start trying to include the pictures in the actual "meat" of the post. That's a mental debate for another day, though.

       

I got bored one day.
Don't you dare judge me.

These edits are about a year old.
Picnik, baby.

I'd never try to pass this off as art.
They've been sitting on my computer.

I'm convinced that's
Dr. Phil in the back.

Music Monday: Yay Drinking!

     Let me clear something up before I go any farther. I don't drink. Besides the fact that I'm underage, I also dislike what drinking can do to a person. If you drink, cool. Have fun with that. Any references to me consuming any alcohol (or drugs) are jokes. Got it? Great.

     Now, this week's MM post isn't about a particular artist, or even a particular song. It does have to do with music, though, and it makes me giggle. That means it's good enough to be a MM post. I thoroughly enjoy reading through the articles over at Lifehacker. Recently they did one about Drinkify, a great toy...I mean, um, tool. Basically, you tell it what music you're listening to, and it tells you what to drink while listening. Sure, it's great for setting the mood. Being super-immature, I use it purely for my amusement. It gives some pretty funny suggestions.

This is when I start laughing so hard that I pee myself.

     Yes, forget drinking. If you're forced to listen to Barney songs, you need to get high. There is a drink that combines soda and THC; could that be what they're going for?

I think not.

     I thought that, surely, some music would be immune to Drinkify's evil powers. After all, kids might want to find the right juice to go with their...whatever small children listen to now. Walkmans are dead, aren't they? I miss my hot pink Walkman. Anyway, I put in a few younger "artists" to see what the site would come up with.

So far, so good.

It's Friday, Friday, gotta drown out Friday...

I'm hoping this one is for the parents.
I can see where they got the bourbon, though.
I'm pretty sure there's a Wiggles song about Rip van Winkle.

     Right, so that theory was shot down. But certainly Christian bands would be immune...right? Please, for the love of all that is good in the world...it's Jesus we're talking about!

You drink AND go to church? You must be a hillbilly.

Lord, please bless this rum, and let it nourish our bodies. May we
show others that Christians are still bitchin. Amen.

     Some of these defy logic. Imagine you're listening to some calm classical music. What are you drinking? Probably wine, right?

Nope. Bottled water. How exciting.

     Here are some more that I found amusing. I'll just put them in itty-bitty form down here, and you can click on them to make them bigger! Yay, technology! (Note the difference between Ben Folds alone, below, and Ben Folds with the band, above.)

Stay classy, Inigo.

This one makes perfect sense.