Fix It Friday: How Things Should Have Gone

     Thus far, I've only got structured guidelines for posting on two days in the week. This isn't nearly enough for me. I'm drowning in the ocean of possible blog posts. You have to understand, I need structure. Some people can just go with the flow, all willy-nilly. Not me. My pre-bed routine takes an hour and a half.

     Because of my perverse need to plan every aspect of my life, I figured I'd stress out less by introducing another theme day here. As a bonus, it'll keep the posting schedule a bit more reliable, ultimately forcing me to post more. At least, I think that's a good thing. You can be the judge of that.

     So now I introduce to you Fix It Friday. Everyone's encountered at least a few things in life that should have ended differently. You've all said to yourselves "I could have done that better than they did." This is my version of that. Movies, books, tv shows, real events; nothing is safe from my mental nitpicking. The idea for this came to me in a dream, which is a great reason for doing something, right?

The Lion King: How It Should Have Gone

     Basically, this (possible rip-off of a) movie retells Shakespeare's Hamlet in a way that reaches out to small children and breaks their little hearts. Yes, I'm bitter about Mufasa's death. So very bitter. Simba is left alone in the world (for a while) and Scar is a douchebag. Luckily, I dreamt up a much better version of things.

     The first, and biggest, deviation is that Scar is actually nice. He's not just pretending to be happy about Simba's birth; he's the most kind-hearted lion that ever lived. He serves as Mufasa's right-hand man for many years, until Mufasa dies. It's okay, though; he dies of old age, and Simba rises to the throne. Scar guides Simba through the difficulties of ruling the savannah and manages to live to see Kiara born. (Side note: Scar's name before he got his Scar was Taka. In this version, he does have his scar, but not because he tried to off Mufasa.)

     Somehow, Kovu is also born. I say "somehow" because (in the real story) he's Scar's son, and part of the Outcasts. In my version, however, Scar was never pushed into forming the Outcasts. Anyway, the universe vomits out Kovu; perhaps he's simply too awesome not to exist. Kiara and Kovu meet as young cubs and essentially grow up loving each other. Everything's awesome, everyone likes each other, and things are just peachy.

     At the edge of the savannah, Clayton appears. Yes, the hunter from Tarzan. Maybe he's hunting to raise his status? After all, Tarzan didn't come out until a year after LK2. Anyway, he's out for blood. And pelts. Gotta have them pelts.

     Now, Scar and Kovu have darker hides than the other lions. This trait is possibly passed down from Mufasa/Scar's mother, Uru. There are books that expand the world of LK. Okay, this isn't supposed to be an in-depth analysis. C'mon, self, focus. Basically, dark hides mean more money for Clayton, so he sees Scar and Kovu and decides to kill them.

     Scar is rather old by this point, so Kovu is in better shape. Clayton goes after him first, chasing him to the edge of a really weird cliff. The rock goes straight down, then flattens out into a shelf, then heads straight down again. There's a tree growing right up the middle, embedded into the cliff face (even across the shelf). Kovu slips off the edge, which is actually great compared to facing off with Clayton. He manages to dig his claws into the tree, and just kinda hangs there.

     Mufasa has been summoned, and he and Scar teleport to the shelf. (There's not really a way for them to get there without falling and dying, so they must have teleported.) I'm not really sure how they could be any help, but that doesn't stop them from trying to come up with something. Scar decides to run for help. In his haste, he falls off the cliff and dies. Kovu freaks out, slips, and falls off the tree. Mufasa "catches" him -- lets Kovu land on him -- and Clayton starts shooting.

     Time slows down and the lions go all Matrix, dodging bullets and pulling other awesome stunts. Because not even Clayton has unlimited ammo, he runs out of bullets and is forced to return to his camp for more. The lions climb down the second half of the cliff using the tree. They find Scar's body, which they half-carry, half-drag to Pride Rock. It's a very sad time. Everyone is heartbroken to lose such a great lion. They bury Scar, with Clayton (fully ammo'd) watching in the shadows.

     Unfortunately, I woke up before seeing what Clayton's next move was. While I absolutely love the LK movies, I think my version is epically better. I mean, come on, there's so much happiness before the heartbreak and childhood-ruining! No behind-the-scenes plot to murder family members, no alleyway deals. Just a dick with a gun.