I Skipped Fix-It Friday

     Oh well. My man and I had a...rough couple of days. I was in no mood to do anything but hide under my covers and cry pathetically. Fun times.

Dear Loser (Chris)

     Let's face it, some people are pathetic. Here's a prime example. I honestly can't pick one favorite part. You can listen to the original here on constant loop.

Wow-You're-Hot Wednesday: George Clooney

     This man is the poster child for hot older guys. By now there are multiple generations of women who find him attractive, and rightly so. I means, look at him!

     If you read any of my other WYH Wednesday posts, you'll know that I have a serious thing for older guys. Clooney is 50 years old. Yes, that will do nicely...I mean, uh, whatever. He's pretty funny, too. That's always a good, sexy quality for a guy to have. And he's rather involved in the humanitarian sector. Give the man another point.

     Now, when I started browsing for pictures, I realized that they're all kind of the same. He's so photogenic that he barely changes between photos. So I picked out a few pictures, but if you want more Clooney goodness, you can find it here.

     Today's post is rather hurried, as I'm in the library waiting for my beau. He's just home from his college (two hours away) and we're celebrating my birthday (which was yesterday). Do I feel bad drooling over attractive guys right now? A bit. That can be easily solved with the Sexiest Man Alive issue of People magazine, though. 70 pages of guys! I'm sure I'll get a few more names to add to my list.

Music Monday: Super Bass

     I jammed to this in the car this morning after taking my siblings out to the bus. It was an epic start to the week. Of course, being me, I found something to complain about. More on that in a bit. First, here's the song.

     It's so frickin catchy. Can't you hear that boom badoom boom, boom badoom boom bass? The video is...well, it's fascinating. You can't argue with the fact that it's weird, but it totally works. It fits the song and the artist. I love the first 30 seconds; Nicki's obviously hyped up on caffeine and/or illegal drugs, and trying to pass it off as excitement. Then we finish off in a DayGlo rave. It's great.

     This is the kind of song that makes me wish I were black. I don't wish that often; I'm comfortable with my race. Seriously, though, it seems like black chicks have all the fun. They can have pink hair and swim in a pool of Pepto Bismol, and people love it. If I did that, I'd be shipped off to the nuthouse.

     Now for the complaints. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. When I was in the middle of jammin this morning, I realized that the song was full of holes. It completely ruined my joy. The radio station had edited the crap out of this masterpiece. Here's a list of words that were skipped. (A word with an asterisk by it is something I completely understand editing. I'm including those for the completeness of the list.)

• coke
• motherfucking*
• ho(e)
• F (No, she didn't say "fuck." She literally says "eff" in the song.)
• niggas*
• panties
• F (again)

     I'm sorry, but really? WKEE must have a bunch of third-graders working for them. "Oh, noes, we can't say panties on the radio! That's a naughty word!" I don't understand this. I've heard worse than "ho" on the radio -- on that station -- and you're going to block it? And then the letter. "You can't hear that letter! omgzorz!!1!" Next they'll be cutting out half of the alphabet. It's like Sesame Street's letter of the day, but with more ridiculous censorship.

     I need your help to combat this. Here's the plan: using a buttload of autotune tricks, I'll create a song that doesn't sound like a cat dying. The lyrics will consist only of "eff" and "panties." We just have to make sure it gets on the radio. Of course, that will require a disguise. We'll pretend it's a rendition of "Unchained Melody."

Speak Up, Ninjas

All-time pageviews for this blog, as of 11-20-11.

     Okay, seriously guys, this math stuff sucks. You can see under the OS stats that 70 is 100% of the pageviews. That being said, everything else should add up to 70, right? The browsers do, but the countries don't. Nine views aren't counted for. WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE???

Fix It Friday: How Things Should Have Gone

     Thus far, I've only got structured guidelines for posting on two days in the week. This isn't nearly enough for me. I'm drowning in the ocean of possible blog posts. You have to understand, I need structure. Some people can just go with the flow, all willy-nilly. Not me. My pre-bed routine takes an hour and a half.

     Because of my perverse need to plan every aspect of my life, I figured I'd stress out less by introducing another theme day here. As a bonus, it'll keep the posting schedule a bit more reliable, ultimately forcing me to post more. At least, I think that's a good thing. You can be the judge of that.

     So now I introduce to you Fix It Friday. Everyone's encountered at least a few things in life that should have ended differently. You've all said to yourselves "I could have done that better than they did." This is my version of that. Movies, books, tv shows, real events; nothing is safe from my mental nitpicking. The idea for this came to me in a dream, which is a great reason for doing something, right?

The Lion King: How It Should Have Gone

     Basically, this (possible rip-off of a) movie retells Shakespeare's Hamlet in a way that reaches out to small children and breaks their little hearts. Yes, I'm bitter about Mufasa's death. So very bitter. Simba is left alone in the world (for a while) and Scar is a douchebag. Luckily, I dreamt up a much better version of things.

     The first, and biggest, deviation is that Scar is actually nice. He's not just pretending to be happy about Simba's birth; he's the most kind-hearted lion that ever lived. He serves as Mufasa's right-hand man for many years, until Mufasa dies. It's okay, though; he dies of old age, and Simba rises to the throne. Scar guides Simba through the difficulties of ruling the savannah and manages to live to see Kiara born. (Side note: Scar's name before he got his Scar was Taka. In this version, he does have his scar, but not because he tried to off Mufasa.)

     Somehow, Kovu is also born. I say "somehow" because (in the real story) he's Scar's son, and part of the Outcasts. In my version, however, Scar was never pushed into forming the Outcasts. Anyway, the universe vomits out Kovu; perhaps he's simply too awesome not to exist. Kiara and Kovu meet as young cubs and essentially grow up loving each other. Everything's awesome, everyone likes each other, and things are just peachy.

     At the edge of the savannah, Clayton appears. Yes, the hunter from Tarzan. Maybe he's hunting to raise his status? After all, Tarzan didn't come out until a year after LK2. Anyway, he's out for blood. And pelts. Gotta have them pelts.

     Now, Scar and Kovu have darker hides than the other lions. This trait is possibly passed down from Mufasa/Scar's mother, Uru. There are books that expand the world of LK. Okay, this isn't supposed to be an in-depth analysis. C'mon, self, focus. Basically, dark hides mean more money for Clayton, so he sees Scar and Kovu and decides to kill them.

     Scar is rather old by this point, so Kovu is in better shape. Clayton goes after him first, chasing him to the edge of a really weird cliff. The rock goes straight down, then flattens out into a shelf, then heads straight down again. There's a tree growing right up the middle, embedded into the cliff face (even across the shelf). Kovu slips off the edge, which is actually great compared to facing off with Clayton. He manages to dig his claws into the tree, and just kinda hangs there.

     Mufasa has been summoned, and he and Scar teleport to the shelf. (There's not really a way for them to get there without falling and dying, so they must have teleported.) I'm not really sure how they could be any help, but that doesn't stop them from trying to come up with something. Scar decides to run for help. In his haste, he falls off the cliff and dies. Kovu freaks out, slips, and falls off the tree. Mufasa "catches" him -- lets Kovu land on him -- and Clayton starts shooting.

     Time slows down and the lions go all Matrix, dodging bullets and pulling other awesome stunts. Because not even Clayton has unlimited ammo, he runs out of bullets and is forced to return to his camp for more. The lions climb down the second half of the cliff using the tree. They find Scar's body, which they half-carry, half-drag to Pride Rock. It's a very sad time. Everyone is heartbroken to lose such a great lion. They bury Scar, with Clayton (fully ammo'd) watching in the shadows.

     Unfortunately, I woke up before seeing what Clayton's next move was. While I absolutely love the LK movies, I think my version is epically better. I mean, come on, there's so much happiness before the heartbreak and childhood-ruining! No behind-the-scenes plot to murder family members, no alleyway deals. Just a dick with a gun.

Wow-You're-Hot Wednesday: Everyone Makes Fun of Me

     Seriously, what is wrong with the world? I can't even enjoy hot guys without someone making fun of my taste. Every time this guy comes up in conversation, I can't help but drool a little and go all dreamy-eyed. This inevitably prompts the other person to laugh and comment on his bald head...or his short stature...or the fact that he's "old." That's great, guys. I don't care. This dude is smoking hot.

     My deep-seated love for K Ches started waaaay back when. Well, it seems that way to me, because it's spanned (quick math...) roughly 3/4 of my life. I fell in love with his music at the ripe old age of 5, and I've been head-over-heels ever since. Notice all the love references? I'd totally leave my man for Kenny at the drop of a hat. It's a known fact of our relationship. (Note to self: mention "my man" more often.)

     Remember the first paragraph of the Effington post where I mentioned the fact that some guys' voices totally chill me out? Kenny is the main dude in that arena. His voice alone has pulled me out of some pretty dark (depression-induced) places. If the earth's surface represents where normal people normally are emotionally, I've been down in the Mariana Trench a few times. The release of Kenny's latest album, Hemingway's Whiskey, coincided with my roughest patch to date. Talk about perfect timing. I swear, the guy's a fricking angel or something. Okay, enough with the dramatic descriptions of how sad I've been.

     That being said, I think it's safe to assert that the basis for my adoration here is probably the most solid of any others on my hot dudes list. This boy's from a little itty-bitty spit of a town (less than 1,000 people) in Tennessee, so he's got that kinda-cute country vibe. What really gets me, though, is the whole beachy theme; many of his songs are very Caribbean-inspired, he owns a yacht, and he has a home down in the USVI. A big dream of mine is to live on an island in the Caribbean, so Kenny is definitely relevant to my interests.

     In preparation for this post, I started looking through the pictures I had saved on my computer. There are 26 Kenny pics (in addition to the one above) that I decided were worthy of this post. I know, it's a lot. I'll just put them down here all tiny again (they're really not that tiny...) and marvel at the technology that lets you guys see them big. (When it comes to technology, I'm an old soul -- I never understand it.)

     I've also noticed that these posts tend to be rather picture-heavy. It is about the guy's looks, of course, so I have to showcase that. But it seems like a cop-out to end a post in a flurry of pictures. I'm not really sure which route to go: keep it the way it is, or start trying to include the pictures in the actual "meat" of the post. That's a mental debate for another day, though.

       

I got bored one day.
Don't you dare judge me.

These edits are about a year old.
Picnik, baby.

I'd never try to pass this off as art.
They've been sitting on my computer.

I'm convinced that's
Dr. Phil in the back.